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In Persian, we say "When the reed blooms" when we want to express that an event:

  1. Never happens. (This is only the opinion of the speaker so it's not a fact)
  2. It's very unlikely to happen.

  3. It's going to take so long to actually happen. (It's so long that you'd be better off giving up expecting it)

    3.1. We also use it when someone is always postponing something they have to do so you never actually see it happen.

For example:

Kyle: When are you going to pay my money back?

Cartman: When the reed blooms.

Now I don't know if I got the plant's name right because there are some other versions like:

In any event, they have mentioned this plant in the idiom because apparently some versions of it actually never bloom. Others believe it's because farmers harvest them before they get the chance to bloom (e.g to make music instruments), so it never happens. I'd love to know the equivalent idioms or expressions for this.

PS: I only know "When pigs fly" but I'm not a fan of it because the word pig sounds a bit rude to me and partly because it implies a strong impossibility which doesn't work for the #3 use.

NVZ
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Sobhan
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    Does the reed actually bloom on occasion? Because if it doesn't, When pigs fly is very apt. Hell will never freeze over - it is an impossibility if you believe in the traditional hell - so that would equally negate that option. You stated in comments, "...for the idiom in this question, the occurrence of the event even once is very unlikely." You can dislike a reference to pigs, of course, but that doesn't mean it's not a very common (and appropriate) idiom in English. – anongoodnurse Apr 07 '16 at 17:30
  • maybe https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/RSN ? – jk. Apr 07 '16 at 18:09
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    This is confusing. Does it mean all of those things but under different circumstances? Sayings don't often have exact translations that preserve all the nuances. – Mitch Apr 07 '16 at 19:05
  • @Mitch, all of them are referring to an event which is unlikely to happen except the first one which is the more general meaning of the idiom. The first use is only the speaker's opinion so it's not 100%. When others hear this saying, they just assume something is very unlikely to happen. – Sobhan Apr 07 '16 at 19:18
  • Not an idiom but I've heard someone reference the heat death of the universe when describing how long something would take. – BSMP Apr 07 '16 at 19:36
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    @Sobhan so what is the single thing you want? An English idiom for 'never gonna happen'? For 'very unlikely to happen'? For a single idiom that can be used for both? – Mitch Apr 07 '16 at 20:25
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    @Mitch, The idiom I refereed to is used in both scenarios so If there is one that can serve both, it would be awesome. Judging from the answers, English idioms have a distinct line between "never (one's opinion)" and "very unlikely". So if I have to choose I'd like an idiom that conveys "very very very unlikely". As a sidenote, #3.1 is also used commonly so if there is a separate idiom for that, I'd love to hear it. – Sobhan Apr 07 '16 at 20:55
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    @Sobhan - There's a certain ambiguity in idioms - they are idioms, after all - that you're not accepting, but which is no different (apparently) from those in your own language. "When/until the cows come home" is very good. It can mean never, or, since it's not impossible that the cows will come home, rarely. You've stated in comments and updates that you want precise idioms, but you express shifting expectations after they are offered. This site is a question and answer site, not a discussion forum. Maybe what you want is a discussion about idioms? – anongoodnurse Apr 07 '16 at 21:53
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    "Don't hold your breath" is common when one is waiting for someone else to do something (like pay back a loan), but it doesn't necessarily mean "never". – Todd Wilcox Apr 07 '16 at 22:05
  • @medica I wasn't sure which one to pick. They were all related. Thanks for you insights, I'll keep that in mind. – Sobhan Apr 07 '16 at 22:14
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    @Sobhan I don't like "when pigs fly" either. your best bet is "don't hold your breath!" or indeed "when the cows come home". in certain circumstances you can just say "Dream on!" For 3.1, "don't hold your breath!" works well. You should note that it is *just not possible* to precisely match sense of phrases within English, far less with other languages. – Fattie Apr 08 '16 at 15:53
  • not an english expression but thought maybe you'd find it interesting; in "Slovak" language we say "when it rains and dries" – user151496 Apr 09 '16 at 23:00
  • Related: What do you call a day that never comes?. – Tim Lymington Apr 10 '16 at 08:42
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    I can't shake the feeling that we have a plant/flower expression with the same meaning in English, relating to a seemingly dead plant sprouting or blooming. I can't find or put my finger on it, though! – mattdm Apr 11 '16 at 20:14

15 Answers15

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When hell freezes over is one option, refering to the assumption that hell is an eternally hot and burning place.

Stephie
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    +1 I think this is a (marginally) better equivalent than the accepted answer... both of them have similar meanings but this one fits more into the contexts where the original expression would be used. – user541686 Apr 08 '16 at 06:32
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    @Mehrdad, I liked this one too a lot but the original expression is usually used humorously and the accepted answer had more humor in my opinion. And partly because this suggests a very strong impossibility, that didn't work for the #3 use. – Sobhan Apr 10 '16 at 04:50
  • Just one more 6 to go :) – mathreadler Apr 11 '16 at 13:36
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    One version of this is, "There's a snowball's chance in hell, that this will happen". – jamesh Apr 14 '16 at 12:17
46

When pigs fly is an oldie but goodie.

Hot Licks
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    I answered with that one too, but then deleted my answer because OP specifically says that one is undesirable. :-( – Kristina Lopez Apr 07 '16 at 17:50
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    My first thought too! – Dan Apr 07 '16 at 22:40
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    I know the OP doesn't like this one, but he's wrong: there's nothing rude about it, and it is, hands down, the most common idiomatic expression for something that'll never happen. – Marthaª Apr 07 '16 at 23:02
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    "when pigs grow wings" might be a gentler expression that better fits the mood. – Phil Sweet Apr 07 '16 at 23:06
  • This matches 1 and 2 for sure, but less so 3. – DCShannon Apr 08 '16 at 02:19
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    @Marthaª you need to take the cultural context into account and what is associated with "pigs" in the Middle East. There it would be rude after all. – Stephie Apr 08 '16 at 07:01
  • @Marthaª I've known people hate the term pig itself. So it's better avoided, at least in the Middle East and Asia. Btw, "Martha" reminds me so much of "BATMAN vs SUPERMAN" and related memes. :) – NVZ Apr 08 '16 at 08:55
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    @NVZ: Martha is my real, actual name. I'm not nearly old enough to be Batman's mom (I'm about the same age as Ben Affleck), and passing off Superman as my kid, even an adopted one, would be a real stretch. And I still haven't scraped the time together to see the danged movie. – Marthaª Apr 08 '16 at 14:17
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    Didn't the OP as for an English language equivalent to when the Reed blooms, so even though there's cultural differences, it is still a valid answer! – RemarkLima Apr 09 '16 at 08:28
45

One suggestion for this is "Don't hold your breath". Meaning even if something may eventually happen, it is not likely to happen any time soon.

Ocie Mitchell
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44

You could say when the cows come home.

Also stated as until the cows come home:

The phrase is often used to describe activities regarded as futile or unproductive.

See also:

Here's another source:

for a very long time

You can diet until the cows come home, and you still won't be a size 4.

We could talk about this problem until the cows come home, but it wouldn't solve anything.

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Kevin Workman
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    Funny. I always thought the cows would actually be coming home in while. The beef cattle are probably never coming home (assuming they are being driven to the slaughterhouse), but the cows might if they actually want to be milked after being out in the pasture all day. Or at least that's how I always saw it. – Todd Wilcox Apr 07 '16 at 21:59
  • Thank you @Kevin. This was the closest idiom to what I had in mind. Would you consider it common in America/Britain? – Sobhan Apr 07 '16 at 22:06
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    @Sobhan It's colloquial, but it's pretty normal where I'm from (American East coast). I don't know about British English. But Google Ngram Viewer says it's more popular than the other answers here. – Kevin Workman Apr 07 '16 at 22:14
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    It's a common idiom in the US, but it has a different meaning from the OP's expression. It really just means "until late tonight". – Hot Licks Apr 07 '16 at 23:12
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    @HotLicks That's not the meaning I've heard. "Until the cows come home" means an indefinitely long time. It definitely doesn't mean later tonight, since the cows might never come home! Then again, maybe this is a regional thing. Maybe cows where you're from are more punctual than cows where I'm from. – Kevin Workman Apr 07 '16 at 23:17
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    Well, many of the people who used the expression when I was younger actually had experience with cows. They're actually quite punctual. – Hot Licks Apr 07 '16 at 23:27
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    @HotLicks Ha! Same here. I grew up in Amish country around plenty of cows. I agree that cows do come home, but I still think the phrase means an indefinitely long time. – Kevin Workman Apr 07 '16 at 23:31
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    It's important to understand that the cows come home near dusk, which is the effective end of the workday on a farm (especially Amish). If you talk about how to fix the fence until the cows come home then it's not going to get fixed today. – Hot Licks Apr 07 '16 at 23:39
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    “Until [one] is blue in the face” is not used in this way (in my experience); it's part of idioms like “you can complain until you're blue in the face, but it won't help” and “I won't do it even if you hold your breath until you turn blue.” It does not describe lack of action. – Anton Sherwood Apr 08 '16 at 00:30
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    @HotLicks I agree that cows literally do come home, but this idiom is not referring to a definite time in the near future. It's referring to an indefinite time in the future, used in a joking fashion. It's not literal. "He'll be studying until the cows come home" doesn't mean that he'll be studying until dusk. It means he'll be studying for an indefinite amount of time. It's an exaggeration. In reality he'll probably stop studying in the near future, and in reality the cows do come home, but that's not what the phrase means. – Kevin Workman Apr 08 '16 at 00:51
  • @AntonSherwood Where in OP's question is a lack of action mentioned? To use OP's example: "You can wait on your money until you're blue in the face, but you still aren't getting it." – Kevin Workman Apr 08 '16 at 00:53
  • This works for 3, but not 1 or 2. – DCShannon Apr 08 '16 at 02:19
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    @DCShannon The way I've heard it used, and the way my references define it, it works for all 3. – Kevin Workman Apr 08 '16 at 02:22
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    I'm agreeing with others who are saying that the cows do come home. It's not even unlikely, it's expected. It just takes a while. For reference, I'm from Iowa. In fact, after looking at your references, I think I'll downvote. They agree with me. – DCShannon Apr 08 '16 at 02:25
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    @DCShannon I appreciate your input. Like medica said above, idioms aren't an exact science, but I think this is as close to what OP's looking for as we're going to get. I don't agree that my references agree with you, and I don't think this idiom has very much to do with literal cows. It just means "an indefinite amount of time" and is usually used in a joking, exaggerated fashion. That fits what OP is looking for pretty exactly. But oh well, have a good day. – Kevin Workman Apr 08 '16 at 02:47
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    We could argue about what "until the cows come home" means until the cows come home, but we still aren't going to agree. – Kevin Workman Apr 08 '16 at 13:45
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    I'm not sure I agree. – Hot Licks Apr 08 '16 at 17:15
  • I wanna argue about it being colloquial rather than idiomatic. If it was only colloquial we couldn't write about it here. : ) – candied_orange Apr 09 '16 at 05:55
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    @CandiedOrange Argue away, but I think I've spent too much time thinking about cows lately. Where does it say we can't write about colloquialisms here? – Kevin Workman Apr 09 '16 at 16:34
  • Another option: when pigs fly – Carl Apr 10 '16 at 14:03
  • @Carl The OP specifically mentions that in the question. – Kevin Workman Apr 11 '16 at 14:46
32

Once in a blue moon expresses a similar sentiment.

To do something “once in a blue moon” is to do it very rarely: “That company puts on a good performance only once in a blue moon.” The phrase refers to the appearance of a second full moon within a calendar month, which actually happens about every thirty-two months. dictionary.com

Lawrence
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  • I see, but doesn't it imply that it happens but it's very rarely? Whereas for the idiom in this question, the occurrence of the event even once is very unlikely. – Sobhan Apr 07 '16 at 17:04
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    The literal meaning doesn't really carry into its typical usage. Once in a blue moon mostly carries the idea of rarity in a similar way to your 3-part description. – Lawrence Apr 07 '16 at 17:08
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    I don't think once in a blue moon depicts unlikeliness, but more that this doesn't happen often (we see blue moons once or twice per year) – Chris Apr 07 '16 at 20:02
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    This implies recurrence too. – biziclop Apr 11 '16 at 14:36
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In a month of Sundays

From TFD

not in a month of Sundays

if you say that something will not happen in a month of Sundays, you mean that it is not likely to happen

He'll never run the marathon, not in a month of Sundays.

More idioms of improbability on Wikipedia. It has expressions in all languages, including the Persian one you've asked in the question.

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NVZ
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  • @Sobhan I don't know, exactly. People make such statements of impossibility all the time. – NVZ Apr 07 '16 at 19:02
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    @Sobhan Because there's no such thing as a month of Sundays. Even in impossible circumstances, this is still not going to happen. – DCShannon Apr 08 '16 at 02:20
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    I always thought this was taken to mean 30-31 weeks, literally the number of Sundays to fill a month. – punkerplunk Apr 08 '16 at 04:28
  • @punkerplunk That sounds unusual. I don't know if it has such a meaning too. – NVZ Apr 08 '16 at 04:39
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    @punkerplunk Wouldn't it be weird to take such a phrase so precisely, when it is patently not precise and could refer to 28, 29, 30, or 31 weeks? It seems so obvious to me to be a figure of speech and not intended to have this kind of precision. Like the security guard at a museum that told a visitor the dinosaur was 65,000,005 years old--since the guard had started work 5 years before, and at that time, he'd been told the dinosaur was 65,000,000 years old... – ErikE Apr 08 '16 at 15:55
  • @ErikE - I didn't mean to imply precision, as you said, 28 .. 31 weeks. – punkerplunk Apr 09 '16 at 00:47
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    @punkerplunk I think that's just plain silly! – ErikE Apr 09 '16 at 00:55
  • While you could calculate this out, the meaning is probably closer to “an arbitrarily long time”, on the assumption that it's long enough that you'll lose count. This shows up in other places (ex: the biblical instruction to forgive 70 * 7 times), but is not a very common construction. – Morgen Apr 10 '16 at 15:53
  • @Morgen I believe this idiom means never gonna happen, not may happen after a very long time. There is literally no month full of Sundays, figuratively maybe yes. – NVZ Apr 10 '16 at 16:05
  • @NVZ If that's the case, then I pity poor Anne of Green Gables :) . The first time I ran into this idiom was when Anne was threatened with confinement in her room for a month of Sundays over a missing broach. – Morgen Apr 16 '16 at 18:26
  • I have always understood this expression to mean the following. People used to work Monday-Saturday, with only Sunday free to themselves. So if you had a project you wanted to do, Sunday was the best time for it. Now imagine 30 days when you have no work or other tasks to distract you and can dedicate yourself to the task. That would be a month of Sundays, or in other words, a month with no other distractions. – Ocie Mitchell Jun 22 '16 at 20:19
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English has separate idioms for never versus rare/ long time.

For never, you could use the construct "Cartman will pay back Kyle right after << insert impossible event here >>" where the event can be improvised on the spot:

  • right after the sky turns pink
  • right after the Pope converts to Methodism
  • right after you bring me some milk from a bull
  • (things mentioned elsewhere, like pigs fly and hell freezes over)
  • etc.

Beware however, that this would be considered snarky or sarcastic, and may not be suitable in all company.

For rare/ long time, two common sayings are "on the fifth Monday in February" or "once in a Blue Moon." In reality, February has five Mondays about once every 28 years, and Blue Moons happen every two to three years, but in figurative terms convey an unspecified degree of rarity.

cobaltduck
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    "On the fifth Monday in February" is certainly not common. This is the first time I've heard it in my four decades plus. – Atario Apr 07 '16 at 22:07
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I heard a doctor one time say that a condition was "as rare as lips on a chicken".

jabbermonkey
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8

When Burnham Wood comes to Dunsinane --Shakespeare.

WordReference

Sure he'll help me washing the dishes - when Burnham Wood comes to Dunsinane.

In your dreams!

colloq. (orig. U.S.) Not a chance

Public OED

Fuggedaboudit/Fuggedaboutit

(slang, New York) There is no hope of it being so, the idea is preposterous; do not waste my time with such notions

Wiktionary

Elian
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    That's a very specific reference. It comes from Macbeth, and I've never heard it used in a general context. – Mason Wheeler Apr 07 '16 at 17:51
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    Also, it should be noted that in Macbeth, Burnham Wood does come to Dunsinane, as the attacking army carries branches to hide their numbers. – Will Apr 07 '16 at 19:17
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    I like it. Unfortunately, this is somewhat meaningless without the irony. Burnham Wood does come to Dunsinane, and rather swiftly; within the span of one or two Acts, if I recall. This could be very useful for making an ironic remark in some situation when someone in fact thinks that something is as rare as reeds blooming, but it's obvious to you and other that it's not the case. – Kaz Apr 08 '16 at 18:09
  • "Nice repair job there. That should hold till Birnham wood comes to Dunsinane, if not longer." (The repair is shoddy and likely to fall apart in days.) – Kaz Apr 08 '16 at 18:29
  • Holy cow, there are like quite a few spellings spellings for that Forrest in the original text. Birnan, Birnane, Byrnan, Byrnam, Byrnane. – Kaz Apr 08 '16 at 18:34
  • "Till boredom would calm two dunce inane". :) – Kaz Apr 08 '16 at 18:38
8

Well,

Another answer for never is "on February 30th" (for those that use the Gregorian calendar.)

As for #3.1, I had heard the expression "after re-arranging my sock drawer", referring to the doing of something irrelevant and inconsequential being a higher priority than the task in question.

HTH.

B.Kaatz
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When two Sundays come together.This proverb means never.

V.V.
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  • Interestingly, on the traditional Jewish calendar this would happen once a year to keep the day of the week and date of the year in sync. It's possible this originally had a meaning closer to the OP's idiom. That being said, it's probably a localized idiom, as I've never run across it. – Morgen Apr 10 '16 at 15:46
5

Said with the right emphasis, you can simply say

That'll happen tomorrow

The idea being that this will still be the case tomorrow, that it will happen tomorrow. But it's never tomorrow, it's always today.

I wish I had a recording of the appropriate emphasis to share with you. A native English speaking friend of yours could probably reproduce it for you. The emphasis is on the 2nd syllable.

DCShannon
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  • Very interesting, I tried it couple of times and I think I get the idea. But I fear someone would take it literally (maybe because of accent). Like it would happen tomorrow for real. – Sobhan Apr 08 '16 at 08:59
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    As a native speaker of American English, I don't know if I'd interpret "tomorrow" as "some indefinite time in the future", not matter how the emphasis was placed. But this does remind me of "6 to 8 weeks", which is programmer code for "yeah, we know it needs fixing, but don't hold your breath". – Marthaª Apr 08 '16 at 18:22
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    Ironic that *mañana*, which literally means "tomorrow", is used satirically or sarcastically to mean "'sometime in the unspecified future" — but, of course, it's not English. – Scott - Слава Україні Apr 10 '16 at 06:20
4

Try this supreme Quranic idiom: "When the camel enters the eye of the needle"

Matt
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    References, please. I've seen similar in Bible, not sure about Qur'an though. – NVZ Apr 10 '16 at 04:08
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    It's called ‘the eye’ of the needle, not "hole", and the proverb refers to the sheer difficulty of task at hand, or its impossibility. of completion. "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven" (or words to that effect) – Mari-Lou A Apr 10 '16 at 08:13
  • @NVZ http://quran.com/7/40 – caveman Apr 10 '16 at 14:12
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    @caveman thank you. You should always, as much as possible, include such reference in your answer itself. Especially if it's based on religion. – NVZ Apr 10 '16 at 14:23
1

Definitely "when Hell freezes over" or " a cold day in Hell." In traditional Western thought, Hell is an intolerably hot place, where wrongdoers are sent to suffer eternally.

Pickett
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0

For #3.1, a common expression is "I'll get to it when I get around to it." That's a circular reference that promises action without actually saying when.

See “get round/around to ” meaning and its origin.

When someone says that to you, make sure you have a round tuit so you can give it to them, saying "Now you have a round tuit."

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Brent Washburne
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    I have multiple round tuits. Doesn't seem to help. There must be something special about how you acquire said round tuit. – Marthaª Apr 07 '16 at 23:03
  • @Marthaª Some take years to pay off their tuition loans for their well-rounded tuits. – Kaz Apr 08 '16 at 18:12