Being Friends

—Connecting and belonging

Welcome!

Being friends is more than a mere association; it's a dynamic, reciprocal connection that enriches the journey of life.^[1] It involves the sharing of laughter, tears, triumphs, and setbacks. Friends create a shared history, a tapestry woven with the threads of mutual understanding and acceptance. Being friends means navigating the complexities of human relationships with a spirit of camaraderie, trust, and loyalty. It's about standing by each other, offering a comforting presence in times of need, and celebrating together in moments of joy. The essence of being friends lies in the ability to embrace each other's uniqueness, offering support, encouragement, and a genuine sense of belonging. It's a shared adventure where the bonds forged through time and experience become the foundation of lasting connections that withstand the tests of life's unpredictable journey.

The objective of this course is to help you live a longer and happier life by being a better friend.

Use this daily practice checklist to make being friends a habit.

This course is part of the Emotional Competency curriculum.

Humans are social animals who need to belong. We have an emotional need to be an accepted member of a group. Whether it is family, friends, co-workers, a religion, or something else, some people tend to have an inherent desire to belong and be an important part of something greater than themselves. This implies a relationship that is greater than simple acquaintance or familiarity.

Their are many varieties of friends. In philosophical discussions of friendship, it is common to follow Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics, (Book VIII) in distinguishing three kinds of friendship: friendships of pleasure, of utility, and of virtue.^[2]

According to Aristotle, genuine friendship thrives when two individuals care about the well-being of each other and are both conscious of this bond. Consider his three forms of friendship on this basis.

Friendships of pleasure form when two people discover they enjoy being together engaging in similar activities. In this case the bond is based on the shared activities, not on mutual well-being.

Friendships of utility arise when you find another person who can help you. In this case the bond is based the help provided, not on mutual well-being.

These friendships are shallow because they are based on what you are doing together rather than who you are.  These can be short lived because when circumstances change—you move on to other interests—there will no longer be any reason to spend time together or even care about each other. Aristotle considers these to be deficient modes of friendship.

In contrast, bonds based on shared goodness represent the most excellent form of friendship. In these ideal relationships, both friends take joy in each other's virtue, fostering enduring connections. As long as both individuals maintain virtuous characters, the friendship remains not only pleasant but also mutually beneficial. The motivation behind such friendships is genuine care for the well-being of the other person. However, Aristotle acknowledges the rarity of these relationships, attributing it to the scarcity of inherently good individuals, as those with negative inclinations do not find pleasure in each other's company

Notwithstanding the work of Aristotle, modern concepts of friends require mutual caring, intimacy, and shared activity.^[2]

Our experience of friendship changes as we grow older. Young children have playmates, and older people form deeper relationships.^[3]

Researchers differ when considering if family members and romantic partners are friends or form a different relationship. Also, while friends are often peers, some philosophers extend their accounts of friendship to include parent-child relationships.^[2]

Philosophical discussions aside, for the purposes of this course, friends are people who practice the friendly behaviors, listed below.

Typically, each of us has many acquaintances yet very few close friends. Researcher Robin Dunbar has studied this phenonium extensively and describes the diagram shown on the right.^[4] Generally, people have about 5 close friends, 15 best friends, 50 good friends, and 150 people who we consider just friends.  Note that each layer is approximately three times the size of the layer immediately inside it.

The circle begins with our self in the center. Next are the two special friends typical of women and the one special friend typical of men. These are, on average, our 1.5 intimate friends.

Our five closest friends is known as the support clique. These are the people who would gladly provide help and support when you need it. Moving further out, we notice that juries, sports teams, executive boards, and many other groups that work best as a well-coordinated team, often include 12-15 members. This is known as the sympathy group referring to research on the number of people whose death would be upsetting.  

The number of just friends, approximately 150, corresponds to Dunbar’s number, an estimated cognitive limit to the number of people with whom one can maintain stable social relationships. In these relationships we know who each person is and how each person relates to every other person. Groups of this size can establish and maintain bonded social relations where people are mutually committed by trust, reciprocity, and obligation.

Beyond this we may have 500 acquaintances, know the names of 1,500 people, and recognize 5,000 faces we have seen somewhere.

Complete the Wikiversity course Knowing Someone.

If you are considering marriage, conceiving a child, or forming a business partnership, then it is wise to study the Wikiversity course Informed Commitments.

Finding friends can help you live a longer, healthier, and happier life.

The quality and quantity of individuals' social relationships has been linked not only to mental health but also to both disease and shorter life spans.

Extensive scientific findings from a variety of disciplines, including epidemiology, neuroscience, medicine, psychology, and sociology, converge on the same conclusion: social connection is a significant predictor of longevity and better physical, cognitive, and mental health, while social isolation and loneliness are significant predictors of premature death and poor health.^[5]

Extensive studies indicate a 50% increased likelihood of survival for participants with stronger social relationships. Put another way, by the time half of a hypothetical sample of 100 people has died, there will be five (should this be 50?^[6]) more people alive with stronger social relationships than people with weaker social relationships. Importantly, the researchers also report that social relationships were more predictive of the risk of death in studies that considered complex measurements of social integration than in studies that considered simple evaluations such as marital status. This finding remained consistent across age, sex, initial health status, cause of death, and follow-up period.^[7]

Other research shows^[8] this result pertains to positive relationships. Both negative relationship and ambivalent relationships—those that are sometimes good and sometimes bad—have negative effects on health.

Another major report finds “Over four decades of research has produced robust evidence that lacking social connection—and in particular, scoring high on measures of social isolation—is associated with a significantly increased risk for early death from all causes.”^[9]

And a synthesis of data across 16 independent longitudinal studies shows poor social relationships (social isolation, poor social support, loneliness) were associated with a 29% increase in the risk of heart disease and a 32% increase in the risk of stroke.^[10]

Loneliness is the absence of friendship and other forms of social connection.

Loneliness is a subjective experience; it is more about how you feel than the number of people you are with. It is possible to feel lonely in a crowd of people if you don’t feel you belong and have not connected with anyone you are with. Alternatively, solitude is often valued as a time to work, think, or rest without disturbance. It may be desired for the sake of privacy.

You may fall into one of three distinct styles of friendship:^[11]

• Independent people consider themselves self-sufficient and content to socialize casually. Friends come and go as life unfolds.
• Discerning people have deep ties and long-lasting relationships with a few close friends.
• Acquisitive people collect a variety of friends as they live their lives. They often make new friends while maintaining established relationships.

Choose friends however you are comfortable.

The Wikiversity course Alleviating Loneliness describes the many threats to our health and well-being resulting from loneliness and isolation.

Finding friends can help you live a longer and happier life.

Being friends means many things. The following sections describe the various behaviors, expectations, and obligations friends have to each other.

Friendship is complex, dynamic, and evolves over time. Many of the friendly behaviors describe here interact and can sometimes conflict with each other. For example, showing up must be balanced with respecting boundaries. The best friends integrate all these behaviors and find the right thing to do.

Embracing these behaviors can help make us better friends or help us notice when it is time to move on.

Communication

Communication is the bedrock of a healthy friendship. Communication takes many forms--it can be done online, via the telephone, by letter exchanges, and of course in person. People who have been friends for a long time may develop nonverbal ways of communicating based on gesture, glance, and body language. Telling a friend about your challenges and heartaches and listening to your friend do the same will lead to emotional vulnerability. Validating each other's concerns and accomplishments will build trust, which is an essential component of friendship. The ability to speak to each other about a wide range of topics, whether personal, professional, or political, is a mark of friendship. The more you communicate, the more understanding you can reach between each other, thus building pathways of understanding, trust, and support.

Joy and Humor

Another foundation of friendship is the good times. This is the spark for many long-lasting friendships: shared interests which bring enjoyment and laughter to everyone involved. Whether it's hobbies, favorite media, exercise, artistic creation, community organizing, business opportunities, or whatever, the best place to find a friend is in a place where you engage with the things you love most. But don't take your interest so seriously that you can't laugh at it or yourself, because people are always doing funny things, and when you spend time lots of time with someone while engaged in activities you both enjoy, you're bound to notice silly or surprising or irritating things about each other. The ability to indulge in light-hearted (never cruel!) mockery and jokes both defuses tension and brings joy.

Mutual Support

Attaining trust with a friend means that you can give to and receive support from that person. Support may mean cooking meals for each other, giving each other gifts, helping with a big project such as a renovation or moving, attending the other person's concert or talk, exercising together, and so on. Less material forms of support include simply allowing the other person to vent about something that is frustrating them, offering a shoulder to cry on, and giving encouragement to aim for a goal such as a new job or romantic relationship.

Respect

True friendship is impossible without respect. Friendship involves finding joy in differences as well as similarities. It cannot take place if one or both people hold certain aspects of the other person's life in contempt. Many friends are able to bridge political or religious differences by finding common ground in other parts of their life, like family, food, or the enjoyment of nature. Trust built on a foundation of open communication and support leads to the ability to set disagreements to the side, or to explore them in a mutually beneficial way. Empathy and consideration are key; without the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and imagine how their life may differ from yours, you may find it difficult to form lasting friendships. Both empathy and consideration are skills that can be practiced. Many people find stories, whether fictional or not, a way to practice empathy and imagining what life is like for other people.

Conflict

Conflict is an inevitable part of all relationships; this includes friendships. To maintain a friendship, you must cultivate the ability to resolve conflicts in a respectful, productive way. Communication, empathy, trust, and respect all help with this. This means being honest with your friend even about subjects that you fear might upset them, while at the same time avoiding being cruel in your criticism. The flip side of this is the ability to listen to criticism without taking it too personally or losing your temper with the other person. When properly nurtured, the ability to give and receive constructive criticism is valuable and fruitful. It will allow you to learn from experiences not your own, to offer help and have it accepted, which is gratifying, and to achieve greater things together than you could have alone.

You can live a longer and happier life by being a better friend.

Students interested in being friends may wish to study the following materials:

• Dunbar, Robin. Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships. Abacus. pp. 432. ISBN ‎ 978-0349143576. 
• Denworth, Lydia (January 26, 2021). Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Bond. W. W. Norton & Company. pp. 320. ISBN 978-0393541502. 
• Block, Peter (2009). Community: The Structure of Belonging. Berrett-Koehler Publishers. pp. 264. ISBN 978-1605092775  . 
• Putnam, Robert D. (2000). Bowling Alone. Touchstone Books by Simon & Schuster. pp. 544. ISBN 978-0743203043  . 
• Owen, Harrison   (April 21, 2008). Open Space Technology: A User's Guide Paperback. Berrett-Koehler Publishers. pp. ‎192. ISBN 978-1576754764. 
• Brooks, David (October 24, 2023). How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen  . Random House. pp. 320. ISBN 978-0593230060. 
• Ridley, Matt (April 1, 1998). The Origins of Virtue: Human Instincts and the Evolution of Cooperation  . Penguin Books. pp. 304. ISBN 978-0140264456. 
• ‪Albom‪, Mitch‪ (October 8, 2002‪). Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson‪  . Crown‪. pp. 192. ISBN 978-0767905923‪. 
• Kidder‪, Tracy‪ (May 4, 2010‪). Strength in What Remains ‪  . Random House Trade Paperbacks‪. pp. 284. ISBN 978-0812977615‪. 
• King, Larry. How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere: The Secrets of Good Communication  . Crown. pp. 224. ISBN 978-0517884539. 
• Fisher, Roger; Ury, William L.; Patton, Bruce (May 3, 2011). Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In  . enguin Books. pp. 240. ISBN 978-0143118756. 
• Cain, Susan (January 29, 2013). Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. Crown. pp. 368. ISBN 978-0307352156. 
• Steinbeck, John (February 1, 1994). Of Mice and Men. Penguin Classics. pp. 105. ISBN 978-0140186420. 
• Vogl, Charles (September 12, 2016). The Art of Community: Seven Principles for Belonging. Berrett-Koehler Publishers. pp. 216. ISBN 978-1626568419. 
• Cope, Stephen (March 26, 2019). Deep Human Connection: Why We Need It More than Anything Else. Hay House Inc.. pp. 288. ISBN 978-1401946531. 

I have not yet read the following books, but they seem interesting and relevant. They are listed here to invite further research.

• Celebrating the Third Place: Inspiring Stories About the "Great Good Places" at the Heart of Our Communities, by Ray Oldenburg PhD
• The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters, by Bernadette Dunne, Priya Parker, et al.
• Friendship, Development, Ecology, and Evolution of a Relationship, by Daniel J. Hruschka
• On Friendship, by Ray Pahl

1. ↑ ChatGPT generated this text responding to the prompt: “Write a paragraph on the topic: ‘Being Friends’”
2. ↑ ^{2.0 2.1 2.2} Helm, Bennett, "Friendship", The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Fall 2023 Edition), Edward N. Zalta & Uri Nodelman (eds.), URL = https://plato.stanford.edu/archives/fall2023/entries/friendship/.
3. ↑ Doyle, M. E. and Smith, M. K. (2002). ‘Friendship: theory and experience’, The encyclopedia of pedagogy and informal education.
4. ↑ Dunbar, Robin. Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships  . Abacus. pp. 432. ISBN ‎ 978-0349143576. , chapter 4
5. ↑ How Social Connection Impacts Individual Health and Well-Being.
6. ↑ Although this is an accurate transcription of the report, I think this is an error and the correct number should be 50 not 5. I have contacted the author to discuss this but have not yet received a reply.
7. ↑ Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB (2010) Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. PLoS Med 7(7): e1000316. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
8. ↑ Denworth, Lydia (January 26, 2021). Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Bond. W. W. Norton & Company. pp. 320. ISBN 978-0393541502.  Chapter 3.
9. ↑ National Academies of Sciences Engineering and Medicine (NASEM). Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults: Opportunities for the Health Care System. Washington, DC: The National Academies Press; 2020.
10. ↑ Howick J, Kelly P, Kelly M. Establishing a causal link between social relationships and health using the Bradford Hill Guidelines. SSM Popul Health. 2019;8:100402.
11. ↑ Denworth, Lydia (January 26, 2021). Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Bond. W. W. Norton & Company. pp. 320. ISBN 978-0393541502.  @183 of 395