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Which one is correct?

Who are you staying with

or

Whom are you staying with?

John Bachir
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    I'm sure @John Lawler has pronounced the death sentence on any use of 'whom' not immediately following a preposition. Or was it 'user'? And doubtless G Pullum wouldn't offer offenders sanctuary; he has a famous closed door policy. – Edwin Ashworth Feb 13 '15 at 16:37
  • If you want to get fancy about it, you would say, "With whom are you staying?" and maintain the (antiquated) convention of not not ending your sentences with prepositions. –  Feb 13 '15 at 17:48
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    Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe the question of where to put the preposition is orthogonal to which word is appropriate. – John Bachir Feb 13 '15 at 22:05
  • @JohnBachir, you asked, so I'll correct you. The connection between preposition location and who/whom is style. In a high style, it's "With whom are you staying?" Colloquially, it's "Who are you staying with?" Confused, it's "Whom are you staying with?" – Greg Lee Feb 14 '15 at 03:19
  • My question was meant to ask “Is the noun that starts with ‘w’ in this sentence the subject or the object?”. – John Bachir Feb 14 '15 at 07:01
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    @JohnBachir It’s neither. The subject is you and there is no (verbal) object. Who(m) is the object of the preposition. – Janus Bahs Jacquet Feb 14 '15 at 13:11

2 Answers2

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There are not many words in English that clearly tell us nominative or objective case. The pairs he/him and she/her are in the nominative / objective case, and may be used to tell us the answer to your question.

First, one could switch the question around and make it a statement.

You are staying with who/whom.

Then swap in he/him for the who/whom.

You are staying with ?he / him.

(EDIT: The ? notation used on this forum and https://linguistics.stackexchange.com/ indicates questionable usage. A stronger form would be to use *he to indicate that the usage of he is incorrect.)

I suspect it sounds better to most ears to say "You are staying with him," because we use "him" (objective case) with a preposition.

Then swap back the who / whom.

You are staying with ?who / whom.

And then finally back to your original question.

With whom are you staying? or Whom are you staying with?

Grammatically, you need a whom in your question.

But as you can see in the linked question What’s the rule for using “who” and “whom” correctly?, whom may have a stilted or formal feel.

So I'd soften the answer a bit, and say that if you were answering on an English test, use the grammatically correct whom. But if you were asking someone in an everyday situation, use the less formal who.

Community
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rajah9
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    Yes. Whom is mostly used these days to show off one's control of English grammar. It is also used incorrectly more often than not, so in general -- except on standardized tests, which don't count -- don't use whom. It's never necessary. – John Lawler Feb 13 '15 at 17:13
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    And literature tests, @JohnLawler? Ask not for whom the bell tolls. – rajah9 Feb 13 '15 at 17:41
  • The goal is eventually to leave school. Then you won't hafta wear a uniform, or use whom. – John Lawler Feb 13 '15 at 18:19
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    Hmph, @JohnLawler. Hearing someone say "who" when I know it should be "whom", feels like nails on a chalkboard to me. Must be my age. ;-) – Kristina Lopez Feb 13 '15 at 19:59
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    @KristinaLopez I’m much more bothered by people using whom when it should be who, for that has no excuse. – tchrist Feb 14 '15 at 16:43
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    Agreed, @KristinaLopez. I know young adults who can utter, without shame, a sentence like "Him and me are going to the store." Call me old fashioned. – rajah9 Feb 14 '15 at 16:54
  • @tchrist I bet you're glad I said "I know young adults who" and not "I know young adults whom..." – rajah9 Feb 14 '15 at 16:57
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    I'm with you @Kristina Lopez - and I don't use the word whom to show off but because, when appropriate, it sounds better to the ear. –  Feb 14 '15 at 19:40
  • @Little Eva Using the 'rules' I was taught, I would say 'Whom is that?' and 'Whom are you?' (and 'We are we' for 'It's us'.) Once you insist on 'the way it was done' you've got to decide (1) when the usage you want became the usual one (1550? 1850? 1930?) and be prepared to argue why other peoples's opinions are not as good; (2) how to relate to people like Professor G Pullum, who says ... – Edwin Ashworth Feb 15 '15 at 11:51
  • 'even for people who would say You [were] talking to whom? (e.g., to re-query an answer that wasn't heard correctly), it is highly unlikely that if they started the sentence with the wh-word they would use the accusative form: Whom were you talking to?. In normal conversation, the frequency of whom at the beginning of a clause (as opposed to preceded by a preposition) is now virtually zero.' [LanguageLog, 2004] This essentially means 'when appropriate, it sounds better to the ear' is a judgement call ... – Edwin Ashworth Feb 15 '15 at 11:53
  • that needs to be informed by general usage more than by personal preference. One is free to use one's preferred way, but one mustn't instruct others that that's the only correct way. And one must be prepared to be considered a dinosaur if one bucks a really massive trend. – Edwin Ashworth Feb 15 '15 at 11:59
  • @Edwin Ashworth First, allow me to quote a W.O.M. with whom I have recently become acquainted, “It concerns me that many contributors assume that their / their teacher's / their favourite grammar's ... 'rules' / dogmas / analyses ... are the 'truth'". We are of one mind here. Second, I am raw, uncooked. I am untutored and definitely unlettered. I was raised by cultural wolves who managed to feed me well and were fierce protectors but as to my mind, well I had to travel far from the lair. –  Feb 15 '15 at 12:29
  • @Edwin Ashworth Yet and still I am unencumbered by all these rules. I remain a feral writer and have my reservations about altering that status. I see some pros and some cons. As to your advice that I should “be prepared to argue why other people’s opinions are not as good” you already know that I love a good fuss now and again. Lest I wouldn’t be at ELU. –  Feb 15 '15 at 12:29
  • @Edwin Ashworth I hardly think I am as dogmatic as you seem to feel I am and I’m not generally bucking trends, but in the final analysis I will follow my own heart and ear and let the chips fall where they may. I stand by my statement: I want more options, not less. PS, I left an invitation to you as a posted question yesterday but you stood me up. Wha’s up wit dat? –  Feb 15 '15 at 12:30
  • @Little Eva (1) I'd have once argued that, for instance, 'It is I' is the only correct form. Then I realised I usually saifd 'It's me', and felt hypocritical. Then I learnt that someone decided a couple of centuries ago to impose the pseudorule 'the copula must always take an accusative complement', and felt betrayed. // I'm neither omnipresent nor omniscient. And my computer is worse. Do you mean a 'question question' or just a question? I've not been notified about it. – Edwin Ashworth Feb 15 '15 at 15:11
  • @Edwin Ashworth - see please, Possible interpretations of "log": http://english.stackexchange.com/questions/227532/possible-interpretations-of-log –  Feb 15 '15 at 16:29
  • Oh. I hadn't a clue about this, though I found it interesting, and gave up after a quick search. Frank's answer seems eximious. – Edwin Ashworth Feb 15 '15 at 16:54
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if the answer is 'him', the question is 'whom'

Chu
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    Hello Chu. While some school textbooks and even teachers may have led you to believe this to be true, it's not. John Lawler outranks them. And G Pullum possibly outranks him. I suspect even the most ardent prescriptivist would use 'Who is it? Oh, it's him.' And few would use 'Whom did you see?' – Edwin Ashworth Feb 14 '15 at 02:05
  • So, is 'whom' to be consigned to the same dustbin as 'shall'? – Chu Feb 14 '15 at 19:13
  • No. We need more options not less. –  Feb 14 '15 at 19:38
  • It's probably too full of 'adverbs'. – Edwin Ashworth Feb 15 '15 at 00:36