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When referring to a relationship with a blood relative who has died, would you say, for instance, “John is Sue’s father,” or “John was Sue’s father”? If he has passed, does he cease being her father, and she his daughter? Or would you still say she is his daughter, but he was her father, which seems asymmetric and wrong?

Frungi
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    Dead people cannot function in any capacity the same as a live person, and so relinquish all claims on being considered in any sense present, either in person or in tense. It is correct to say "John was Sue's father," and past tense is definitely preferred. One may be forgiven for slipping up if the loss is recent, but that's about as far as it goes. – Robusto Feb 22 '15 at 00:15
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    That he was her father but she is his daughter is no more asymmetric or wrong than the fact that he is dead and she is alive, really. That's asymmetric, too, and if you ask the daughter, probably also all wrong. – Janus Bahs Jacquet Feb 22 '15 at 00:27
  • @Robusto It is very common to use the present tense "is dead" for recent deaths, without considering it a slip-up. Consider news reporting on tragedies: "Israel says missing soldier Hadar Goldin is dead" ( http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-28628010 ) or "One person is dead and another injured after Virgin Galactic's SpaceShipTwo [..] crashed" ( http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-29856995 ). If "John is Sue's father" is wrong, would you say "Sue has no father at the moment"? What about people who believe in an afterlife? Can religious Sue say John is still her father? – TessellatingHeckler Feb 22 '15 at 03:50
  • Father as a verb: to bring into being, give life to, spawn describes a single event of conception. That should be described in the past tense ("John was Sue's father"), even when both of them are alive, no? And, what about uses like "Galileo is the father of modern physics"? The relationship is a timeless description of a connection - John is, was, and always will be Sue's father, even if he has died and cannot actively behave in a fatherly way to her anymore. – TessellatingHeckler Feb 22 '15 at 04:11
  • Sure, but that's a different matter. – Robusto Feb 22 '15 at 08:32
  • possibly to evade the awkward issue somewhat, you can phrase the sentence so you dont need a verb to refer to the father. eg "her father, no longer alive" etc, and one can find many of these types of constructions/ euphemisms around reference to death in writing. eg "passed" instead of "died" or "dead" etc, also recommend as polite "late" father! a special/ euphemistic meaning of the word "late"... – vzn Apr 22 '17 at 18:42

3 Answers3

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It's exactly as Robusto said in his comment: if it is a recent loss some people may still use present simple. e.g. An explosion kills a young man and nobody is allowed to come near. His wife arrives at the scene and, knowing he is dead, she pleads: "let me see him, please. He is my husband." In all other situations you'd use the past simple.

  • "He was my uncle."
  • "John was Sue's father."

But note the asymmetry as mentioned by Janus; "I'm his daughter", "She is his wife", for those who are alive.

Centaurus
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Both the past and present tense can be correct, depending on the context and underlying assumptions (such as philosophical or religious beliefs regarding the soul or nature of existence).

For example:

  • My father is dead
  • My father was a carpenter
  • My father is in Folkvangr

Generally, you would say she is his daughter, and that he [her late father] was her father. This use of the past tense is a common way of indicating that the person being mentioned is deceased without deviating from the main point of the sentence. In effect, it removes the person from the present tense in order to indicate he or she is no longer a part of the current world construct, but rather belongs to a past (physical) world construct or state, as indicated by the placing of his very existence (as a living or physical person) in the past tense.

Consider the implications of or the impressions made by these two sentences:

  • My daughter is a gymnast
  • My daughter was a gymnast

The obvious exception is when the person's death is otherwise stated or implied (eg: john is dead, mary is in heaven now).

Frungi
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Utnubu
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Atheist:
John was Sue's father.

Believer, very devout believer, or delusional ufologist:
John is Sue's father. There are holes in heaven, and he is peeping through.

Agnostic:
John was Sue's father. There are holes in heaven, and he is probably peeping through.

Mother-Earth theorist:
John was Sue's father. His spirit is seeping thro the earth to comfort her. He is no longer Sue's father. He has joined the communion of fathers of the earth.

Blessed Geek
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