0

I am a native English speaker but have lived abroad for many years now. I hear various proficiencies in English every day and therefore, some common mistakes that wouldn't sound natural/correct back home slowly sound fine to me now. So, recently a friend wrote a mission statement for an educational institution. The missions statement to me sounds awkward and I'm trying to clarify why.

Here is the mission statement:

Being a private and ACO accredited school, the Valley East Side is the place where everyone learns to be the one who makes the world a better place.

To me, "Being a private and ACO accredited school" is awkward but I can't put my thumb on exactly why.

"The Valley East Side" is not correct because the isn't typically used with proper names.

We don't write "the New York", for example.

"Everyone learns to be the one who" sounds repetitive with "the one" being used in such a manner.

Also, the one is usually used in the predicate and not in the subject.
For example: He is the one whom I was mentioning.
Not: The one whom I was mentioning is the right guy.

Next, "Valley East Side is the place where everyone learns"... Wouldn't using the article "a" instead of "the" work better since there is no exclusivity? It's not an advertisement like as following:
New York is THE place to be. The idea is that we are a place and not the place to be.

Thanks for any comments! I'm mostly concerned with the "Being" clause but any comments are welcome.

  • 3
    Once you get past the fact that mission statements are aspirational BS, "everyone learns to be the one who makes the world a better place" is lovely. I'd shorten to "A private and ACO accredited school, Valley East Side is the place where everyone ..." Remember that in the film Miss Congeniality all candidates had to proclaim interest in seeking "World peace," no matter how hollow the words. – Yosef Baskin Oct 08 '21 at 20:36
  • 2
    I completely agree with your sentiments about aspirational BS. ;-) –  Oct 08 '21 at 20:43
  • 2
    'Being a private and ACO accredited school ...' means 'As it is a private and ACO accredited school'. I'm not even sure this makes sense. If you want merely to state two facts (without a reason connection) but to retain the very formal style, dropping the 'being' achieves these aims. This converts the ing-clause to an absolute clause allowing mere additive as well as reason associations. – Edwin Ashworth Oct 09 '21 at 10:31
  • The passage is not ideal, but I think the author is using 'being' correctly for what they want, it's just that it seems cognitively strange to assume that 'making the world a better place' is an implied result (that's what 'being..., ' means) of attending 'a private and ICO school'. It's cognitively strange not grammatically strange (or it could be a malapropism (I can't think of the alternative though), or even jst muddled thinking, trying to force anumber of ideas into a single sentence and it coming out poorly. Also, it needs to remove two of the 'the's. – Mitch Oct 09 '21 at 17:35

1 Answers1

3

With the note that the on-topic guidelines for this Stack Exchange don't include requests for proofreading, let's address some of the concerns you've already raised.

  1. "Being a [X], Y is..." is grammatically valid but, yes, awkward. An improvement would be "As a private and ACO-accredited school, Valley East Side is...." Why? Perhaps because the "Being __" construction is most appropriate when there's a stronger causative link to the rest of the sentence. ("Being a bear of very little brain, Pooh was unconcerned with the existential implications of Heffalumps.")

    1A. For that matter, the whole "As a __, we __" construction implies a logical connection that doesn't exist. Being private and accredited doesn't have a causal relationship to students learning to improve the world.

  2. If "the" is a part of the proper noun then of course it should be included and capitalized, but it sounds like this is not the case.

  3. Sure, "everyone learns to be the one who" is a bit repetitive. No, there's nothing wrong with "the one" in a subject ("The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me"), and anyway it is in fact in a predicative relationship at the moment ("everyone learns to be the one"). But yes, it's a bad choice for other reasons.

    3A. It's commonly overlooked that the word "everyone" is in fact singular. But it's still "generic" rather than specific: every one can be a one, but it's a bit odd for every one to be the one. I could imagine a construction that creates this paradox on purpose ("Here, everyone is the most important!"), but without such cognitive dissonance write large, a construction like "everyone learns to be a [global citizen, etc]" might make more sense.

    3B. The other problem with "everyone learns to be the one who" is the problem with the entire sentence: it is convoluted and inefficient. You could say "everyone learns to make the world a better place. (You might lose some semantic connotation of individual responsibility, in which you are "The One" to make a difference, but that implication was never explicated clearly.)

  4. "Valley East Side is the place where" vs "a place where"? Sure, your point is valid, and there are assuredly other places where youngsters learn to make a difference. But on the other hand, this is a type of advertisement, and in that context, I think some definite articling is taken with a grain of salt. Ace Hardware advertises itself as "The Place with the Helpful Hardware Man." I don't think anyone really supposes that it's the only such place (or, if we were meant to take it that literally, then everybody better get in line for the one "helpful" man!).

    4A. There's more convolution and inefficiency in "X is the place where Y happens." How about "... at Valley East Side, everyone learns to make the world a better place."

  5. Wait, this is a "mission statement"? Well, it's shorter than most, I'll give it that, but why does it start by stating that it's private and accredited? It sounds more like a succinct sales pitch. Perhaps it's meant only as a public-facing statement, more of a slogan. I should hope there are more internal goals identified than "making the world a better place," and indeed as a prospective parent I'd want to hear something a bit more substantial.

Andy Bonner
  • 5,752
  • Yes, you rightly discerned that I had no interest in requesting someone proofread one sentence. The discussion of language with only conceptual language and parts of speech would prove challenging, if not impossible. Back to the topic at hand. Surely, "being" works best when there is a strong causative link. I am much obliged for comments 3A and 3B. Good insight. And finally, part 5, which is he most interesting surely. I live in a country where even a hole in the wall convenience store has a mission hanging on the wall. Why do I need to hear or know that my convenience store has or needs one? –  Oct 09 '21 at 21:31
  • Many educational institutions (pre-university) of the elite type now have clauses in their mission statement that go along to the tune that the purpose of education is to create a better, more peaceful world. It's practically downright sanctioned by accreditation partners. If you do not think so, you do not think big enough. You can expect more of this language coming soon to you. Thanks again, Andy. –  Oct 09 '21 at 21:33
  • @newstravels Oh, I should clarify that I'm all for making the world a better place. I hope my children do so, and I hope their schools help them to. I don't mind seeing it in a mission statement. I just think, when you whittle your entire unique essence, your raison d'être, down to one sentence, that I'd love to see some more concrete details make the cut than "We're accredited... and we have a positive impact. The end." – Andy Bonner Oct 09 '21 at 23:42